According to the group of people I met, I would always change the mask I was wearing.

Chris’ Story:

I was brought up as a 5^th generation Christian of my family so I was so used to, maybe too used to God. I always believed in God’s existence but never quite knew what it really meant in my life. I would just go to church with my family since that is what I had been doing since I was born and I loved to see my friends.

On that note, I am also an only child. Being an only child can be tough sometimes. Many times, people called me selfish and spoiled just because I am an only child. And who knows, maybe I was actually selfish and spoiled. I was always anxious about how other people thought about me and was so afraid of being left alone. Popularity was something I craved deeply. Relationships with people were something I worshiped. I tried to be the hip, upbeat guy at school and worked so hard not to be considered “un-cool”. At church, I would be the oh-so-holy guy, being exactly what other people might consider a proper Christian boy should be like. According to the group of people I met, I would always change the mask I was wearing. I had many friends but none to talk sincerely with. In fact, I was so afraid that they would run away from me if I did tell them about my struggles. I did not even know who I really was because of all those masks I had to wear. Later on, I was relying more on the relationships I had rather than relying on God.

In 8^th grade, I had to move to another city and all the things I once thought I could not live without started to strip away from me. Popularity vanished as I moved to a new school and church because I was new. I was not able to make new friends for 6 months due to a misunderstanding in school (and you know how middle school students can be vicious sometimes.) As all those things I once worshiped disappointed me, I was completely lost and broken. That is when Jesus personally came into my life saying that I was His friend, that He didn’t care how messed up I aws, and that He loved me so much He carried the cross for me. I had heard about the cross throughout my life, but this time it came to me in a different way with a blow to my head. However, this spiritual “up” did not last that long. I had to move to the States again in my junior year in high school just by myself and my old habits reappeared. I gained weight and was so insecure about my appearance. This insecurity led me to become a complete jerk to those I considered less than I am. I fell into pornography and alcohol because I was able to be someone else at least for a moment although the disappointment and the feeling of loss were greater afterwards. I would then be someone completely different in Church. I wonder how God could forgive me when I cannot even forgive myself. I felt like a complete hypocrite and thought I did not deserve any type of love, especially from God. Yet again, as I was broken and cried out for help in prayers, Jesus again heard me and comforted me. He said He loved me for who I was and that I was His friend. God showed me an image of a muddy young boy playing in the mud. The child’s father, wearing a brilliant suit appeared up on the hill. Seeing his father, the boy runs toward him trying to give him a hug. Surprisingly, the father did not move away but delightfully hugged his son back, not even caring about the mud getting on his suit. I was that little boy. That was probably the day I discovered a human being could still survive after crying out more than 70 percent of the water from his body by tears.

God showed his goodness to me as I went to college, leading me to a community of brothers and sisters in Christ in Madison, a group of friends that I can proudly call another family. God wanted me to serve in the Korean Army for two years in Korea, even though I really did not have to because I also have a US citizenship. I was scared because I thought I would be alone for a long time. However, my friends prayed for me as I prayed with them and God gave me the strength and the courage to follow Him and an assurance that I will never be alone. In fact, even in Korea, God provided me with precious friendship through a short mission trip.  Since I’ve been in the army, I have been able to feel God’s presence and guidance every moment. I am so sure God provided me these friends as a gift to help me out in my darkest times. I no longer have a shallow, superficial friendship but a friendship that would always lead me to the cross, a literal gift from God. God is faithful. He always was, He always is, and He always will be. God is faithful. He always was, He always is, and He always will be.

So now, I know who exactly I am. My name is Christopher Hwang. I am Korean as well as I am American. I am a Private in USAG-Yongsan. I am a person who cannot wait to go back to Madison to see all his friends again, yet a person who is excited to see what God has planned for the next 19 months. I am a son, a friend, a man, a worker, a soldier of God, ready to make a holy impact.

 

Check out http://www.everybadger.com to explore questions about life and God.